So it wasn’t all a really weird dream. I did take a razor to my head yesterday and shave all my hair off. Oops! To add insult to injury, today I awoke to the first frost of the year. My cousin did say that I should probably wait to lop it all off until Spring but stubborn me decided to stick to my arbitrary deadline and it is soooooo cold!
It has made me question if my goal to have tailbone/ bum length hair is realistic and whether I can stay motivated for the 5 years plus that it will probably take. I’m not surprised that it has taken such a short time for the doubts to creep in. I actually have no idea how long it will take but that seemed like a reasonable period until I shaved off all my hair and now that goal seems to be so far off in the distance it’s not worth contemplating. I suppose I should come to terms with it taking as long as it takes. I’ve never had hair past my shoulders so to get to that milestone will take a significant effort on my part and to get past that, is it even worth considering at this point?
Moving on positively, I overcame my fear of being in the shower and having the water hitting my raw, bald head but actually it was quite a pleasant experience. The thing I was not expecting to feel strange was when I was patting my head dry with the towel. I guess the towel fibres are already starting to snag on the tiny hairs that I now have. That was extremely uncomfortable and I will definitely be using an old t-shirt from now on or air drying because that takes all of 5 minutes.
A fear I was not expecting was not wanting to show my new self on the school run. My daughter has only been at school for a few weeks so it’s not like I’ve made loads of friends so I wouldn’t be seeing a reassuring face when I walked through the gates. There are lots of people who smile and say hi (they are a really friendly bunch) but not enough of a comfort for me to be out, bald and proud today. Not just yet but I have promised myself that I will by the end of the week. It’s such a shame I feel that way because when I look in the mirror, I am happy with what I see, more so than I was just over 24 hours ago, yet I struggle with the idea of walking into a playground with a group of relative strangers and staring children. Fearing they may judge me more than I already assume they judge me, for what I have not yet figured out but as it’s all in my head I guess it doesn’t matter too much. Ironically, or possibly not ironically as people very rarely use that word correctly, I probably drew more attention to myself with the bright pink headscarf I was wearing to hide than if I just got over myself as I am sure no one could care less.
I asked my kids a few weeks ago if they would still love me after I shaved my hair off. Now to be fair to them, they are only 4 and 2 years old so to expect a reasonable response is slightly over optimistic. The answer to the question by the way was an emphatic and instant “No!” Due to this overwhelmingly decisive response, I delayed showing the results of “The Shave” until they came home from school and childcare respectively. When I did, they didn’t seem too bothered either way but took some amusement in rubbing my head as if it was Buddha’s belly. Rub me for luck!
On an equally positive and negative note, my head has already lost some of its smoothness. Positive because it means I haven’t made a massive mistake and my hair DOES grow and negative due to me actually enjoying the new 8 ball-ness of my scalp. I’m not sure how to describe it, perhaps like short, rough velvet. I definitely was not expecting there to be a change from yesterday to today. If I had really thought about it, I should have. When you shave your legs, the next day it’s not-so-smooth to the touch, so surely all hair on your body acts in a similar way to some extent. I also think that there are possibly razor bumps forming, luckily only at the very back so I’m not too concerned, hopefully it won’t scar. I have some tea tree oil in the house and hydrocortisone which I know are both possible remedies if needs be.
My husband sent a picture to my sister last night of my new look. I was actually excited about someone I knew, who would give an honest opinion, seeing it. I enthusiastically asked him what he thought she might say. His response…
“I don’t know, she might say something like, why have you put make-up on my Dad?” This was not her actual response, thankfully. She was very supportive and I hope that will be the response from my loved ones going forward.
Let’s keep growing!
xx Lee xx
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