Just a quick post here. I was flipping through my Instagram and I realised that there was this increasing envy I was feeling as I scrolled through my feed. I was seeing pictures of people with their fancy cars, fancy makeup, fancy holidays, fancy jobs, fancy, fancy lives and the green-eyed monster was rearing her ugly head. I realised I wasn’t jealous of the material things that they had. I’m under no illusion, my feed is not filled with lottery winners and trust fund babies. Alot of these people are successful because they work hard, they hustle, they succeed. They had a dream, they had a desire and they chased it until they got it. I’m not jealous of what they’ve got, I’m jealous that they’re “doing.”
To say I’m inspired would understate how I feel but I never know what to do with that energy and inspiration. It’s like I can’t find the motivation to do more. Possibly, it’s just not in me. Not everyone is destined for some form of greatness. Maybe I’m not one of the lucky few. But that’s a part of my problem because it isn’t luck. It’s a mindset. Maybe I haven’t been through enough pain and disaster to find that thing inside me that will push to me to do things when I don’t want to. Or maybe I don’t want anything enough, maybe I just think I do. I’m not sure where I go from here but I know it’s time to make a change. It’s not now or never but it might be getting close. Although I suppose, I should be saying, it’s never too late for anything.
This blog makes me happy. I don’t know if I’m good at it but I don’t think that’s even the point. I get satisfaction from it, more than I get from my job, for example. I like my job, don’t get me wrong, it’s hardly my dream, something that gives me a buzz but it gets the bills paid and hey, I’ve done it for 9 years, I’m good at it, so it can’t be that bad.
I’m trying to challenge myself more, so buzz cut and a blog sort of tick that box. But trying new things means that you might fail and that is literally the scariest thing in the world. It’s probably why I feel that I’ve stagnated in life a little bit. I always wanted to write a novel or screenplay, do something more creative than input on a spreadsheet but what am I actually doing about it? Being distracted by the kids (fair enough), being distracted by this here blog (at least I’m writing), being distracted by excuses.
The answer to my concerns is that I need to start somewhere, shaving my head was the start, the blog was next and bettering myself is the goal in whatever form that takes. I’ve told my self this a million times, I’ve tried to get myself in the right frame of mind, I just want it to stick this time. So here’s to turning over a new leaf for the umpteenth time and fingers crossed for success.
Let’s keep growing together.
xx Lee xx
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