Health and Fitness, Self Improvement

Sucking In. Not Pushing Out.

Weight loss, weight gain, weight loss, weight gain. It’s an awful cycle that I’m currently in the middle of. It sucks. It’s disappointing and it’s just not fun. So I figure that it’s time to not beat myself up and try to enjoy the ride.

I was in two, three, four minds about posting a picture of myself looking less than what I feel is acceptable. I could have posted a picture of me from the chest up because that’s what someone with physical insecurities does. I want to get away from being scared and feeling I have to hide.

It’s hard to look at yourself and not like what you see. Sometimes, it’s just hard to look at yourself. I hadn’t realised how much it was affecting me, this simmering feeling just beneath the surface. I suppose it had always been there, in the back of my mind. There are things that people say that stick. There are things you say to yourself that stick too. The comments from others are not being malicious and it’s usually well intended.

Before I go on, I would like to clarify that I don’t think I’m fat. I actually quite like my body, almost all of it, except that bit between my eyes and my ankles.

Kidding! It’s really the underboob to bikini line. It’s the bit that gets destroyed and forever changed by having had children.  But in the spirit of honesty, I must admit, I didn’t like my tummy before kids either. My Dad, very helpfully, told me as a child to stand up straight so it didn’t stick out so much. The beginning of my insecurities for sure. I’m not blaming him at all, I love my Dad, I would have noticed on my own eventually. I can try to blame the slight curvature of the spine I have in my lower back i.e. bad posture and say it makes it harder for me to 1. stand up straight and 2. look like I have a flat stomach. Not sure how true that is.

But it’s not all bad news, I don’t mind my stretch marks, they don’t bother me in the least (she says!). Not on my calves, my thighs or my stomach. Even the fittest people have them, they are just one of those things. I can see the beauty in my face, even past the dark circles under my eyes. Even past the scars from the spots I was plagued with as a teenager. Even without makeup. But that midriff, oh man! Your boobs should stick out further than your belly, which is quite a hard thing to achieve when you have smaller boobs. In fact, I should just forget this whole healthy living thing and get a boob job.

I think my main issue is mostly down to the fact that I don’t work out and I eat a lot of crap. I take it back. Let’s be positive.

I didn’t work out but I go for regular walks now in my lunch breaks. I am eating better. I will get to my goal. They say that if you put things out into the universe (or the internet) then it’s more likely to happen. I tried that when I started this blog but I need to do it again with my new sense of  purpose.

I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 65.6kg. Which means I’ve lost around 3 kilos since the start of the year. But I think I should admit that loss is partly from taking my braids out and not factoring the weight of hair into it. But a loss is a loss, even if you cheat! Don’t let the scale be your only focus, it’s how you look and feel about the progress and end result that matters. You might weigh more but look better. You might weigh less and look and feel worse. A small victory for me is now having a normal BMI (NHS BMI calculator) which is an indicator of where I am, not the be all and end all.

I’m just trying to keep positive during what I know will be a long journey. A long, loooooong journey! I’m not going to torture myself, it’s going to take as long as it takes. I don’t want to stress myself out. I don’t want to live my life worrying about not getting it right everyday. I want this to be achievable around all the things I’ve got going on in my life.

Also, I know that I’m not doing enough. I’ve made a pact to myself to spend less time at my desk when I’m at work, go for walks and when I do, walk fast. But it’s hard to find the motivation with the wet, the cold, the snow but I’m doing okay. I’m drinking my water. I’m adding salad to everything. I can do this. I will do this. Eventually. But eventually is better than never.

There’s a lot of pressure from family, friends, the media, your timeline to look and feel a certain way. I’ve seen that meme flying around about unfollowing anyone that makes you feel bad about yourself or dulls your shine. Do it. You don’t need that negativity in your life. You need to be following people who uplift your soul. Positive thinkers. Not the people who are clichéd and not being authentic and also not super cheesy. Be aware that what you see isn’t what actually exists. You could be chasing a photoshopped dream. And look inside yourself to find out what it is you really want out of the changes you make and find people who make you feel more like you.

I have a master plan to achieve my goal of my version of a better body. MY VERSION. My plan is to eat better and move more. Simple, but it’s working, except for the odd slip up. Cheat nights keep me sane, they’re not good for me but at the same time, they’re good for me. I don’t want to deprive myself, I just need to change a few things. And I’m changing them. There is hope and there is time. I’ll do what I need to do and I might even get my arse to the gym eventually. I know I’ll have to do some intensive exercise at some point, I might lose weight but still have my pooch, and then only exercise’ll fix that. I know what needs to be done and so do you!

So when I go on my holidays this summer, I will stand with my head held high even if my summer body isn’t quite there yet. I will breathe normally. I will not suck my stomach in (unless I’m taking a photo, haha) but I will stand tall. I will embrace my flaws. I will try not to forget the promise I’ve made to myself. Maybe I’ll get to the point where I just look like the picture on the left (sucked in) or maybe I’ll just be a lighter version of the pic on the right (not pushing out) but either way I’ll be okay with the what my body decides to do because I’ll know I tried my best. And that’s all you can really do. Although, let’s be real, I’m looking to have one hell of a #transformationtuesday in my near future!

Let’s keep growing together! (Sorry for the essay but if you would like to read more, check out my recent IG post!)

xx Lee xx

Comments welcome below. How do you deal with your insecurities?

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