Old pic. Old problem. New me? I’m on one of those healthy living kicks again. I’ve no idea why I keep putting myself through this. Oh yea because I’m unhealthy. I eat crap, I feel crap and I just want to do better. Be better.
I started this blog with the idea that I would record my hair journey, skin journey and weight journey. The first one has been relatively easy. The second one has been so so and the latter, well… that has been an absolute failure. I haven’t stacked on loads of pounds but I haven’t hit many of my goals. There hasn’t been masses of lost weight, I don’t feel more positive about my body. Most importantly, I haven’t changed. I said late last year that I wasn’t going to bother about worrying about weight loss and I even said, this is me quoting myself, “I don’t care about being accepted for anything other than me being 100% me.” Well I haven’t figured out how to be 100% me and whatever I’m doing hasn’t yielded the results I wished for!
I think I’m starting to hit rock bottom with my body, previous positivity and optimism is slowly ebbing away. I can’t just shrug my insecurities off anymore because they’re starting to impact my long term health and my long term view of myself. Also, my weight seems to disproportionately go to my middle section. I hate how that looks and how that makes me feel in clothes. Also, I get paranoid about people thinking I’m pregnant again. Which is definitely a struggle of mine as I’ve had so much speculation about it in the past. Mum tum is real people.
I still get comments to this day about having more kids. Seriously, like 3 isn’t enough! I’ve also said I would have another so maybe I’ve stoked the fire of nosiness. There were caveats for that fourth child though, like having won the lottery!
But if I am having one more, I’ll tell you when I’m good and ready. I would understand the speculation if I hadn’t started having kids yet. I wouldn’t like it but I would understand (and I’m guilty of speculating about others which I try to keep to myself unless they are actively talking about starting families).
Regardless of what other people think, it feels like I’m getting older and I’m running out of time to change things. I don’t know how true that is because I guess the positive changes could start at any time. People always say you’re never too old.
But I also think, in many ways, my time is now. Time to be fabulous and fiercely me.
My clothing style doesn’t include bodycon dresses or that Fashion Nova kind of style. I like loose, baggy and simple. But even in those type of clothes, my body is changing in a way that makes even looser items look unflattering. And of course it’s not all about how I look in clothes. I’m not that wrapped up in myself but if it’s something I can fix, I want to fix it rather than it bogging me down in negativity that this current version of me just doesn’t need.
Recently, one of my friend’s announced she was getting married in September. This window of time is a crazy short amount of time to plan a wedding but it’s a good target for my short term goal. So from May 1st (shortly after the announcement) until late September, I’m trying to be more mindful about what I eat and how much I move. To make a goal and try my best to get to it.
The short term goal is to lose weight. I’m not even that bothered if I don’t lose weight if I know I’m making good choices. The long term goal, the bit that really matters, is trying to break old, bad habits.
- I need to snack less.
- I need to drink more water.
- There is a definite need to be more aware of what I’m eating.
- Being more active.
I’m using Samsung Heath and MyFitnessPal (other step and calorie counters are available) to keep me on track with how much I’m exercising, sleeping and eating. My Fitness Pal reckons I should only be consuming 1200 calories a day but honestly, I’m using that as a guide rather than a restriction. By counting my calories, I know when I’m close to the 1200 threshold and if I’m hungry, I can still eat but I need to think more carefully about what I pick. In fact, everything I eat is more carefully thought about rather than shovelling food straight into my gob. That’s because almost all of it is recorded. You look twice at a Dairy Milk if you know you have to log it into the app.
Before I’d eat it without thinking twice, now I look at the calories and think, that one bar isn’t far off the amount of calories I should be eating for a whole meal!
I already feel better about the choices I’m making. I feel good about my progress, no matter how slow, I know I need to stick with this. There may be weekends where I overindulge but that’s a bump in the road, not a reason to stop. I love food and that’s never going to go away but my relationship with it needs to change, so the relationship with my body can. Because we are not friends right now.
I am hungry, so hungry, like Beyonce training for Coachella hungry. Okay, I’m not that hungry but you get the idea. But this will pass. I’m not starving by any stretch, my body is just getting used to me eating what I need, rather than whatever I want, whenever I want because I’m bored.
I think I put 55kg (which is a healthy BMI for my height) in as my goal by September but I have quite a big head so I think I’d end up looking like a lollipop if I hit that goal! Plus around 20 weeks seems like an unrealistic target for losing almost 15 kilos for someone as exercise averse as I am. But if you aim for the stars, you might reach the moon.
As much as there is a lot of bad sh*t going on in the world right now, there is a lot of change going on. Such as the rise of veganism (I don’t think I could go full V but I am making more plant based choices) and healthy eating, fitness being fashionable (this is good and bad) and body positivity being embraced for all body types. Now is as good a time for change as any, if I need support and resources.
I know I’ve been here before, but here we go again.
Let’s keep growing (healthier) together!
xx Lee xx