On the day I shaved off all my hair, I weighed myself and I weighed 65.1kg or 10 stone 8 pounds and 3 ounces or just a good old 143.5lbs. I’m about 5 foot 4 inches, give or take an inch or so. I thought this made me overweight but turns out to my surprise I am in the healthy category according to the NHS BMI calculator with a BMI of 24.6, so yay! Although, that is the very top end of healthy so the celebrations are short-lived and I may have inflated my height ever so slightly. But the positive is that I am not as heavy as I thought I was.
So I need to give my weight a little bit of context. I gave birth to my son, my third child in 4 years, at the end of last year. I weighed myself a few days before he was born, tipping the scale at a mega 77.6kg (that weight does include a 3.5kg baby and a whole lot of fluid). A few days after he was born, I weighed myself again. I was 71.7kg which was pretty much the weight I was when I got pregnant so that’s good. Basically, back to my start weight. So I ate better, looked after 3 kids and eventually breastfed my way down to 59.7kg.
I’ve never been too fussed about losing weight. I’d go on healthy eating kicks every now and again, see some results and then go back to how things were before. I went to the gym for a few months before I became pregnant with my eldest child, I actually to my surprise enjoyed it but that enthusiasm waned after finding out about the pregnancy. Since my mid 20s I’ve been bothered about my weight but not bothered enough to take action. For the first time in my adult life after baby no. 3, I really wanted to lose weight and I did BUT I tripped onto a slippery sugary slope trying nothing to stop the fall.
It turns out my eating habits may be sabotaging me. It is big and clever to eat muesli for breakfast. And it is not big and clever to add chocolate chips, marshmallows, and hot chocolate powder to make the milk chocolate-y. It’s also not big or clever to eat teaspoons of Nutella as a snack, no matter how quick it is to “prepare”. What can I say? I have poor self-control and a insatiable sweet tooth. But that weight I lost has come back, I don’t like it and I must do something about it. Again.
But What Are You Actually Complaining About?
I don’t want to feel like the fat friend anymore, the chubby one, the one shoved to the back of pictures (I’m the one doing the shoving) or not pictured at all. Also, I don’t want to buy baggy clothes and say it’s because that’s my style. I mean, I do put comfort before glamour, but I don’t want to always feel like I HAVE to.
Before anyone gets up in arms about me complaining about my struggle, I know I’m not THAT big, in fact, I’m probably average size if not slightly smaller but I don’t feel good about how I look and I desperately want to. If I don’t do something now, will I ever?
Also, I’m 30 years old and I think it’s time I sorted my life out. I want to smooth away the lumps and bumps and be able to fit into a bodycon with no Spanx and without the possibility of fainting because I’m holding my breath. It’s not too much to ask? It’s probably shallow but there isn’t much I want in this world. I don’t think it’ll be easily achieved if my past experiences are anything to go by. My favourite bad habit is eating healthy all week and then letting it all hang out at the weekends. Cheat days are not my friend.
I suppose there is a lot to unpack about societal beauty standards but I just want to focus on me. I’ll leave that deep dive for another time.
The annoying thing is that I know exactly what I need to do and it’s beyond simple. Eat less, eat better and move more. Now I can do 1 out of 3 of those things for a long period of time. However, the ability to do all 3 has evaded me thus far. For me, a world without pizza or fried chicken is not a world I really want to be living in. So how do I incorporate the things I love into a lifestyle that gives me the body I desire? I don’t know just yet but I’ve taken the first step, shaving my head has surely resulted in about a couple hundred of grams weight loss so far, so the only way is down.
Let’s keep growing (smaller).
xx Lee xx
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